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Truly Lost | moveon3511's Blog


January 11, 2012 my whole world as I knew it changed…….it still seems like just yesterday.
 
For as far back as I can remember I have always had a fear of being lost.  I remember my Mother telling me stories of being so young I was still in a car seat and asking her if she knew where she was going and would need continuous reassurance from her that we were not lost.  I also remember being a little older and my very logical and matter of fact father telling me in today’s world you can’t really be lost, there are enough resources to find out where you are and how to get to where you are going so there was nothing to worry about.  So in a world of technology where we have GPS in almost every phone and car it caught me off guard to finally realize what being lost meant. 
 
Lost:
adjective
1.
no longer possessed or retained: lost friends.
2.
no longer to be found: lost articles.
3.
having gone astray or missed the way; bewildered as to place, direction, etc.: lost children.
4.
not used to good purpose, as opportunities, time, or labor; wasted: a lost advantage.
5.
being something that someone has failed to win: a lost prize.
 
That is the definition as it is written…..but I have learned an entirely new meaning.  At 31 years old my husband of over 10 years and best friend passed away without warning.  I was in shock, felt as if I was walking around in a fog just going thru motions in the weeks after his passing.  I had to remain functional for the sake of our 2 young boys and focus on them and their pain rather than myself.  I was all they had.  But, when the noise slowed and the people slowly started to dwindle away and stop checking on me, it got quiet and I had time to think and let the gravity of what had happened hit me.  The one thing I remember almost everyone saying to me was “I am so sorry for your loss….” which at the time seemed normal.  But it hit me that it wasn’t just our loss but the best way to describe how I was feeling is what I had feared all along….lost.  I mean truly lost.  How do you continue, what do you do, what do you say, how do you cope……lost.  I feel like with all the good intentions everyone has that none of my family and friends are capable of helping to “finding” me or helping me find my way, it is something I will have to face and achieve on my own.
 
I have gone through every emotion you can think of.  But being lost ironically enough has always been my fear and now I truly understand the meaning of why.  My Chad, my friend, my partner, the father of my children, all I have known since I was 19 years old….gone.  No warning, no reason, no explanation.  I have so many regrets, so many feelings of guilt and unresolved emotions and just simply miss him.  Now when I say I am lost it is meaning I don’t know how to address where I am emotionally now, or where to go in the future……lost.
 
I am starting this journal as a way to get my thoughts out; therapeutic I’m hoping, as well as a way to kind of talk to Chad.  I have read books and articles about coping with death and loss, how to handle being a widow, etc. and what I have taken from these is that writing your thoughts can help so here I go….

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Previous Posts
Feeling A Little Stronger Everyday, posted December 22nd, 2012
Everything is still him...., posted December 13th, 2012, 1 comment
Him...., posted December 13th, 2012
Every time I fall..., posted December 13th, 2012
Truly Lost, posted December 12th, 2012

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